


Tangible Substance (Name Changed)

by malfunctioningEgoist



Series: That one Alternate Universe Where Karkat needs fixing [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Sex, Bisexuality is a thing, Cheating, Consent Issues, Crabdad is an asshole, Davekat is the main theme though, Doctor/Patient, Drama, Drugs, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Feels, Gamzee is sweet and kind, Homophobia, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Karkat Hates Himself, Karkat is a special baby, Karkat is in a bad place, Like, M/M, NSFW, Oral Sex, Psychological Drama, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sloppy Makeouts, Suicide Attempt, The intermission goes back to present, Why are davekat fans biphobic?, a lot of them are, flash back, gamkar is implied heavily, he also works at a bookstore, its concerning, karkat works at a coffee shop, makeouts do happen a lot, thats all this is: one huge flash back, the doctot is a dick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-07-27 16:38:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7626097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malfunctioningEgoist/pseuds/malfunctioningEgoist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat is hanging out at Gamzees house watching rom coms when he asks him about how much he has changed and why. At first he can't answer, but after a few moments he decides to go ahead and tell him everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The room was surprisingly small compared to what he always thought it was. The Apartment had the living room, which had enough room for a moderate sized couch, a coffee table, and an entertainment center complete with a TV. Then the arch led to a kitchen and dining area, a window located on the wall so that one could peep through the living room or even kitchen to see one another. Outside of that was the hallway with a bathroom and bedroom, a part of the home Karkat had yet to explore. 

Most of his visits to Gamzees involved him sitting in the living room, the both of them watching a movie and ignoring everything else, today was going to be, and was suppose to be, another day where both he and Gamzee sat around doing pretty much nothing aside from watching the usual sappy Rom Coms that he owned and almost always leaves at Gamzees. 

Today, when he entered his home, Gamzee was reclined on the sofa, his attention on the TV, with a dopy grin on his face the other happened to like about him. 

No matter what, Gamzee always seemed to be happy. It was a main factor in why their relationship worked the way it did; Gamzee was never insulted by Karkat, and Karkat could never genuinely be pissed at Gamzee. 

Gamzee looked over in Karkats direction after a few moments before smiling, his indigo eyes sparkling in delight. "Hey Karbro, how's my favorite best friend doing?" 

Karkat huffed in response, removing the jacket he was wearing and hung it up on the coat rack that he had bought for Gamzee some time back, and trudged over before plopping down next to him. "Miserable Gamzee. I feel fucking horrible all the time and just want to fucking die, but I can't because I have people like you in my shit storm of a life that need me. " 

Gamzee smiled at him, hands reaching out and grasping his shoulder and rubbing his back gently, threading his thumbs into his shoulder blades. "Aww, dont be all up and so stressed. Just relax and let go of all that pointless noise, know what im sayin?" 

He grunted, leaning back into the other and taking a deep sigh, "Yeah, fine. I know what you mean. " 

Gamzee continued to grin, obviously pleased in his friends response, and increased the pressure as he attempted to ease any pain and aches in the smaller teens back. He knew that Karkat worked more than what was necessary, having to help provide for his family, what with the low income his father received and the fact that he needed to save up for college and just life in general. 

Karkats father was a pastor at a nearby church, he was well respected in the community and everyone loved him, but since church attendance was so low, his pay check was also just as low as the attendance each morning. This caused stress in the Vantas household considering Karkat was a vegetarian and couldn't eat just anything brought home. Not only that but so was his brother Kankri, father bring the only one who took an active interest in downing protein other than nuts and vitamins 

Karkat appreciated Gamzees attention to his back, leaning in and relaxing as he sighed and moaned softly. "God Gamzee, why do you have such amazing hands." 

The compliment was just a basic compliment, but coming from Karkat, who usually rarely gave them out even when he wanted to, it meant a whole lot to the taller and much older man. 

Their age difference wasn't that large, Karkat being seventeen and Gamzee being Twenty, but it was still an age gap non the less, one that society frowned upon. 

"So, I got some motherfuckin sweet sweet miracles that I all up and don't mind sharin with a brother to help get his relax on, if you're interested of course." Gamzee said, his voice fluxuating in the usual soft tones that it does, his voice enough always soothing the younger teen because of the sheer fact he knew he could trust Gamzee with anything. 

"What the fuck are you talking about now? I'm not going to do drugs with you Gamzee, you're out of your fucking mind." He grumbled in annoyance, though he expected Gamzee to make the offer regardless. It was apart of their routine. 

Gamzee gives him a back message, Karkat enjoys it, Gamzee offers him weed, Karkat declines, and then they watch  a movie together.

"Alright karbro, I wont all up and force ya to do somethin a brother ain't down to do, just know my offer always stands. " 

He sighed, rolling his eyes, and standing up to manually turn on the TV since Gamzee had lost the remote last time he was over, "I know Gamzee. You say this every fucking weekend." 

Once the TV was on, he bent down and put the movie in, Ten things I hate about you, and sat back down. He didn't understand why he chose this movie. It brought back memories from last year, memories from this year, memories he wanted to bury, but he somehow couldn't allow himself to do it. 

He and Gamzee cuddled on the couch, his head tucked beneath his chin, curled up on his lap, as they watched the movie roll through, Karkats attention spanning everywhere at once. The cafeteria, the art room, the boiler room, the diner, it was a crowd full of memories, all that started because of this one movie. 

He wanted to relax and just enjoy the movie. 

He looked up at his older friend, a blunt in his hand as he inhaled it and released, eyes on the movie, firm tan hand on the teens shoulder. "Gamzee, I changed my mind, give me a hit." 

He looked down at the other in shock, his expression was wide eyed and confused, but he quickly smiled and held it to his lips. "Go right on ahead motherfucker." 

Karkat took a drag of the stick, holding it in too long and coughing in response, shaking his head so that his jet black hair fell over his crimson eyes. 

Karkat was albino, it was another one of his many curses as a human on Earth. He died his hair Black to keep it from being too obvious, but he couldn't afford getting contacts, probably grey or Brown. He wasn't sure what he would go with if he could. 

They continue watching the movie together, taking turns with the joint and giggling ridiculously. Somewhere during the movie they had made some cookies along with plenty of popcorn and were snacking throughout the visit. Karkat was even okay with Gamzee touching his bottom, not minding the hands that roamed where they shouldn't as his too wondered about. At another point the two were playfully kidding one another, the reasons why being unknown. 

A little after the movie had ended, the two were curled up on the couch, noses rubbed together, asking one another questions. 

"Okay, okay, why the fuck did you eat that during grade school? Everyone told you it was dangerous. " 

Gamzee smiled and shrugged. "I don't know man, I think it's cuz I thought eating grass was the same as a motherfuckin salad. "

Karkat snickered, "what if a dog pissed on that patch of grass?" 

Gamzee shrugged once more, not concerned at all. "Who motherfuckin cares anymore. I'm still here and well alive." 

Karkat continued to giggle, flicking Gamzee in the nose and rolling his eyes at the older and much more experienced adult. "Yeah but the thought has to be a little fucking gross Gamzee."

"Okay, maybe a Lil up and gross." Gamzee stated, his eyes sparkling humorously. He was glad to see his best friend loosening up the way he was instead of being the grouch he always turned out to be. 

Ever since High School Karkat had changed and it was something that always befuddled Gamzee. He didn't know what happened to Karkat and sometimes he wish the other would tell him so he could at the very least aid him in learning to forget or even forgive. He wasn't sure what his friend needed, and that was a worrisome problem for him. However, it was something he had never really asked Karkat about because it seemed to be an unspoken rule to never ask. 

Anytime anyone asked him, he always got silent and shifted about in place, signs of discomfort displayed all across him. Sometimes he even snapped at the questions, telling the interviewer to "Go and fuck yourself up the ass with a chainsaw." 

Today, Gamzee was going to ask, regardless of his predicted responses, it was worth a try in the end. 

"Karkat", Gamzee mumbled, attempting to look as serious as possible so that the other knew he meant business,  "What happened to cause you to get all up and stressed all the time the way you are." 

Karkat blinked at the question. 'so even Gamzee noticed?' he thought to himself, and sighed. He decided to play it off though and guide the question elsewhere, "I told you dumb fuck, I've been stressed due to work and dad-" 

Gamzee cut him off, not wanting any of Karkats cover up answers, "No, the real motherfuckin reason Karkat."

The ticking of a clock could be heard in the background. The only noise that was made was the two breathing silently. Karkat took another drag and sighed, eyes closing, trying to register a way to explain everything. 

He didn't know how to tell Gamzee.

He hadn't told anyone about his relationships, except the people who just so happened to have gotten caught up in his will wind mess of a life. 

He couldn't explain this, how terrible and chaotic everything had been. 

He was scared to tell Gamzee most of all. He was scared to tell him and have his best friend be disgusted with him, to push him away, and never speak to him again. 

"Sorry, it's cool, didn't mean to make ya so motherfuckin uncomfortable, just forget I asked-" 

"No," Karkat sighed, clenching Gamzees shirt tightly in his fists as his eyes fluttered open and looked up into Gamzees. "I think it's about time I told you anyways."   


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat dives into his childhood first before bringing up how he met Dave

I think my so called problems didn't just start in high school. They had always been around since the very beginning. I didn't know how to socialize with other kids in my grade and came off as reclusive because of it. Kankri was always having sleep overs with his classmates and I just stayed home playing with my toys. 

One day, dad brought his brother over, someone who I connected with almost immediately. I thought my uncle was amazing. He always brought me candy and when I was upset he would simply pat my head and tell me "It's going to all be alright Karkat, you're a tough boy." 

I always liked him more than my dad himself. 

My mom ran out when I was four, I can't remember why, but dad claims that she did something awful and he won't ever let her back into our home again. It took some skillful ease dropping to realize that my mom had passed out on the couch, drugs rolling through her system, and her so called friend had touched me inappropriately. 

I had cried to my father when he got home that I was hurting and he took me to the hospital and the fears where confirmed. 

I can't remember any of that probably because I was so young, but doctors think I just tucked it into my subconscious so to heal myself. 

One week, my dad had to go out of town for a church thing, since he was pastor of the local church and all, he had many different religious responsibilities. My dad had asked my Uncle to babysit me that week, and we both excitedly agreed to the terms. I was excited to spend time with just me and my uncle. 

During that week I had realized that my uncle wasn't the kind of man I always made him out to be. There were times, even when dad was there, where his hand was located on the small of my back and always seemed to stray to my bottom. He also liked watching me take my baths, claiming it was "just in case you drown Karkat. Your uncle doesn't want you to drown." 

My childish self saw that as a plausible reason and just grinned saying, "wow, I wish you were my dad! Daddy doesn't do that anymore!" and then I would giggle and he would chuckle, his sad eyes roaming over me. 

But during that week, he got more bold. He had even claimed it was my fault for being so cute, he just couldn't help himself he would claim.  

By the end of that week I was emotionally damaged permanently. I think the idea of sex became disgusting for me, after being forced to put him in my mouth or learning to bend over for him when he was in the mood. 

I didn't tell my dad, not wanting to ruin the brotherly relationship between the two and because I was terrified on what would happen if I did.

He always made sure to threaten me, saying "If you tell anyone I'll have to punish you alright? You don't want me to do that do you?" 

I would sob and Shake my head wildly, my lips quivering as I spoke out a small "no  
" 

It was five months later when my father found out, having walked in on it himself. He called the police and had the man arrested. After that he stopped talking to me and just would cry every time he saw me. Sometimes I felt ashamed because of it, because it was my fault he lost that relationship with his brother. Other times, I felt pitied. 

I hated being pitied. I hated the look he gave me every time his watery eyes gazed on me with his sad frown and those wrinkled expressions. I hated feeling like I was garbage now. 

I was put into counseling soon after, once I was old enough really, and I made a awkward visit once a week on Saturday. 

Today was however Tuesday, and my first day of freshman year. 

I was standing at my chipped locker, eye to eye with the locker number, studying sticky residue from previous stickers that had decorated the door. On the locker was a piece of paper, black ink that faded in some spots with letters that spelled out "Karkat Darling Vantas". 

My middle name always seemed like a joke. The kids I grew up with would agree with me. During primary school a lot of the boys would jokingly say "hi darling" to me. They even treated me as if I was a girl, except one boy. 

He was antisocial and most of the time sat with the girls, talking to one in particular with short blond hair. He never talked to me but when he did he always treated me as an equal. 

I sighed and brushed my hair out from my eyes, using my schedule to put in the locker combination and opening it up. I had nothing to put inside but there was a few more minutes until the bell rung and I wanted to just see the space I would use to store meaningless books and binders. 

There was no cobwebs or dust like I had expected, so I slammed it shut and huffed, making my way now towards homeroom. 

First period for me was Algebra. I wasn't very good with math but I have always been able to survive off of basics, making okay grades on all my tests but nothing exceptional and worthy of praise. 

Once I entered said classroom I noticed there were assigned seats. Our teacher got straight to the point and obviously didn't bullshit. I looked around the room, searching for my name tag, my eyes taking in each name of the students I was with. 

"Jade Harley"

"Eridan Ampora"

"Sollux Captor"

"Dave Elizabeth Strider" 

My eyes froze onto the last name, on the desk that was still empty though most of the class was full. I recognized that name, but i couldn't remember it. Where had that name come from? 

I was torn from my thoughts when a voice spoke up, almost shouting at me.  
   
"Young man, either sit in your seat or sit I'm the office. The bell already went off." 

I stuttered out, "oh, r-right. Sorry." and went to the second empty desk being mine.

 I was glad to be in the back of the room, away from everyone else and not having to be apart of any of the conversations. 

I sat right next to the other empty desk though and based on how close our two desks were, I had a feeling we would be partners for certain projects. 

I didn't make any new friends that day. I didn't make any that week, or the second week. The day Dave Strider finally made his appearance at school however, half way through the third week, I made a new friend. 

When Dave walked into homeroom, he looked like an asshole. His aviator shades firmly placed on his face, a calm expression reserved almost at all times besides when he was with his friends and just having a good time. The girls liked him, a lot of the guys wanted to be him. He was Mr. Cool. 

I disliked him instantly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat has an odd encounter with Dave but also makes a new friend.

Dave sat next to me after being directed to his seat, and it was then that I got a good look of him. He wore black unfaded straight leg jeans that seemed to hug his thighs just right when he sat down. He wore a simple red T-shirt with a scratched record in the center, and a zipped open grey jeans jacket. His almost white blond hair was brushed nicely despite its natural flare that gave him more of a bad boy look than he already had. Piercings hung from his lip, the complete attraction for schools hotty and bad boy sat next to me, and i hated him. 

Of course i thought he was hot just like the rest of the girls, my eyes trailing over him, studying his appearance, but I knew he was the very definition of a douche bag. I wasn't planning to get any closer than I had to. 

"Sup, the names Strider. Dave Strider." he said to me, a smirk lighting up his features as he spoke. His arms were displayed out, fingers threaded behind his head, as his legs were spread and feet firmly planted on the floor. He was full of confidence. Or so he had me believing. 

My stance was simple, me slouched forward, arms crossed, legs tilted and bouncing. His stance was exaggerated, it was what posers did to pretend they had confidence that obviously wasn't there. 

I smirked back, my eyes had narrowed in his direction and a gave him a devious face, it screamed 'I know your secret' and I decided to indulge him in his antics. 

"Hi, my names I really give no fucks. " 

"Hi Karkat, jeez. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. " he whistled low, eyes straying to the board. 

"And it seems someone else forgot what real confidence looks like." I struck back firmly, making sure he knew that I knew. 

"What?"  seemed to be his only valid response, but I could see him falter just enough for me to proceed. 

"Your pose is too dramatic. You're trying to make up for confidence you lack." I said simply, eyes also trained onto the board. 

He leaned in closer, his lips centimeters from my ear. At that moment I shivered and my thoughts instantly flashed to think about things I did not want in my head. 

"What makes you think that?" He mumbled into my ear, shivers going up my spine as I thought and thought, memories flashing through my head and I reacted without thought. I punched him in the face. 

Everyone gasped and turned around, the noise of me jumping out of my seat and panicking as he was tumbled back into his chair, clutching his jaw. I was shaking and trying to catch my breath. I hadn't meant to punch him.  It was an accident. 

Dave stood up and smiled at me, he could see how spooked I was, and gave me a thumbs up. "Nice punch Vantas." 

The teacher however disagreed and I was sent to the principles office. I had never actually gotten in trouble before so I was extremely nervous, my legs shaking more than usual as I tapped my finger against the arm of the chair. 

About Thirty minutes passed before I was seen and when I walked into the office, Dave was sitting calmly, both he and the principle waiting for me. 

"Mr. Vantas, take a seat. " 

I followed instructions, sitting next to Dave in the guest chair, waiting anxiously for my punishment.

"Under normal circumstances both of you would have a weeks worth of detention..." The older man said, hand held neatly in front of him on his neat desk. 

I, however, was confused. What had he done to deserve punishment? 

"Uhm, excuse me for interrupting but, what did he do again?" I asked, making sure I didn't miss something important. 

He seemed annoyed at my interruption but answered my question anyways. "Yes, well, Dave says that you punched him because he sexualy harassed you. If the two cases weren't together both of you would have longer punishments but since it was self defense at Dave got what he deserved, you both have one day of detention tomorrow after school." 

I blinked slowly and nodded my head. Dave hadn't done anything to me, I was confused on why he would lie to them about this.  Wouldn't he want me to be in more trouble for punching him? He was Mr. Cool after all. 

Once we had exited the office, I grabbed his arm and yanked him to face me, a befuddled expression on my face, "Hey, why did you lie? You didn't do anything to me."

He stared at me, I couldn't tell but I could feel it, his eyes burning into my red ones. "Because you looked like you were having a ptsd moment dude. Whatever I did spooked you out. I didn't want you getting in trouble for something I did so I put a nice cushion down to catch your fall. It was a bean bag full of fluffy hearts and kawaii penguins. You're welcome. " 

He then pulled his wrist free from my grasp, whistling with his hands in his pocket and walking to his next class. I stood there baffled, and very confused at his choice of words. My first thought was that he was an attractive douche, my second was that he was an attractive yet annoying douche. 

I chuckled to myself and shook my head, knowing this year was going to be a long one and proceeded to first period to grab my things and quickly make it to second. 

One thing I liked about second period was that it was English, a class period I was surely going to breeze through, but not only that but Terezi was in it. She was a bit of an oddball, but she's always been that way, and she didn't care about what others thought. She was blind but make up for that using her other senses. She was so good at it that the school let her take most of the normal classes. 

I sat right behind her in class, so I got a good sense of what her personality was like. She tended to give me her best shit eating grin each day and went on about how good my eyes smelt. 

No, we were not friends. I doubted she even considered me so at this point. The conversations we had were no where near what most friends had. She said hi to me, I replied back, she giggled and cackled and asked to sniff me, I said fuck no, she does it anyways. 

We were not friends.

I entered the class and sat down behind her, everything I predicted happening as usual except one thing. She kept grinning and glancing back at me, passing notes with a green eyed dork up front. 

Jade Harley. 

I never actually talked to her but in grade school her brother stole a cookie from me, not that I care anymore. I just remembered the incident. 

Jade had old fashioned round glasses and long brown hair that went to her waist. She wore a simple t-shirt with puppies all across the front and a semi long skirt that went a little past her knee. Her skin was a bit tanned, but not to an extreme extent, it was natural. 

I was highly confused on this exchange that was happening but decided to just put my attention into my school work, ignoring the two brainless females. 

Terezi turned to face me once again, this time dropping a folded piece of paper onto my desk and wiggling her eyebrows, the dark red brows popping up above her odd red glasses. 

I studied it for a moment before seeing it as harmless and folding it open. Inside was a note not from Terezi, but from Harley. 

 Hey Karkat! I'm Jade! We've never really talked but I was wondering if you wanted to hang out today with me and some friends? 

I was admittedly perplexed, something I wasn't expecting to happen when I read that note, then again I didn't know what to expect to begin with. I looked up and over to Jade, blinking. 

She smiled and waved at me, a light blush tinting her cheeks. 

I myself was already blushing, I hadn't really expected someone to outright try and be my friend, I hadn't thought anyone would have wanted to. 

I decided to answer after class and tucked the note into my pocket and continued to follow along with the lesson. 

Once the bell had rung though, I quickly gathered up my things and stumbled to Jades desk. 

"Hey, Jade." I said gruffly, my eyes averting from her when she smiled cheerfully at me. It was obvious she was an extremely nice person in general. 

"Hi Karkat! So, do you want to hang out? You don't have to of course but I thought it would be fun and I really want to get to know you better." I could have sworn, low key, she was screaming "I like you Karkat, date me!" but i quickly shoved that notion out of the way knowing that nobody in their right mind would want me and Harley was seemingly sane. 

"Yeah sure, why the fuck not, it's not like I have anything better to do." I replied, knowing the blush on my face was giving me away. 

Her smile faltered for a second but it quickly appeared as soon as it left. "Alright that's great, OH! Here, let me give you my number!" She then proceeded to bend down, pen and paper in hand, and quickly scribbled her number before handing it to me. 

She then waved goodbye and left me standing there staring at the ten digits. 

"Thanks..." I had mumbled to nobody in particular and proceeded with my day. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat talks about the cookie incident and early memories of Nepeta.

I think after that encounter with Jade, no, I *Know* that after that encounter I had experienced third degree nervousness. 

I didn't really know who any of her other friends were. I knew she hung out with her brother, his name I couldn't remember, and I knew she was in the gardening club so was therefore probably friends with them. I did not however know of anyone else and so didn't really know what all to expect. 

I was sure that I wouldn't be this nervous if it was just us because I at least knew her. Her brother didn't count as someone I knew because I only remembered the cookie incident that I do not care about whatsoever. 

It was 1st grade and our class was having the well known and praised Christmas party. My teacher, Mrs. Goodnight was a member of my dad's church and a huge part of the church and liked bringing the gospel to school, this probably being why she no longer is a teacher, and had wanted all of us to pray for people anytime it was needed. 

For the Christmas party she told us all about Jesus and everyone got three gifts from her just like Jesus got three gifts from the three wise men. The only problem with this scenario was that she was not three wise men but instead a colorful school teacher breaking the law. I remember getting pencils, a lollipop, and a magnet of Santa that year as my three gifts from her. After we got the biblical message and her gifts the actual party side of it started where we all played secret Santa and ate. 

We had to go up one at a time in the line to get our food, and by my turn there was only one sugar cookie left and I wanted it. 

It wasn't just any sugar cookie of course, it was the ones you got from Walmart with the frosting and sprinkles on top. 

I got my cookie, my pizza, my helping of vegetables, and sat down at my seat and began munching away, not eating the cookie just yet because I was raised to eat my deserts last. 

John, that was his name, sat across from me and just so happened to have eaten his cookie first, waffing it down like there was no tomorrow, and obviously had regretted his decision because he was eyeing mine and it was making me uncomfortable. I told him to stop looking at me and his gaze was giving me cooties, I had heard the girls say that to him before so I assumed it was a good insult, and he just smiled at me, drooling of my plate. 

John finally decided to have his way with my cookie and told me that there was a unicorn in the room right behind me and I excitedly looked back. I did not see a unicorn but instead saw the teachers helpers butt directed at me. 

I turned around, scowl on my face ready to give him an ear full, and found him shoving my cookie in his face quickly. I think I cried for two hours after that, calling him a fart face and screaming that I hated him. 

Of course that all happened in first grade so why would I bother to keep a grudge on something so meaningless? I didn't actually hate him, I don't know either, it was just things I had said in the moment, he probably didn't remember me at all. 

As I thought about the plans I made with jade, I realized she didn't get my number. I was sure she would need it to finalize everything so I figured I would text her as soon as school let out. 

Of course, school didn't breeze by as fast as usual since I had made plans, but that didn't effect me any, I really didn't like being home anyways. 

By the time I was in fifth period I was ready to go home, excitement eating at me just as much as nervousness. I knew Fifth would breeze by pretty fast, and since Terezi was in my class I could always attempt to talk to her, I wouldn't though even though I had wanted to. I never really talked to her until much later. 

I sat next to one girl in Fifth, thus class being my art elective, and her name was Nepeta.

I had no distinct memory of Nepeta other than the fact that her best friend was on the wrestling team at school, she was also really big into shipping people together. She also liked to rp with Terezi, something I discovered first hand while watching the two role play out loud with one another during class. Nepeta was also a childhood "friend". 

Now that I think about it, I remember she would come over quite a lot, we playing house together because it was something kids did she had said. 

Despite my traumatizing events as a child growing up, I was still a growing and very curious boy, so when Nepeta hung around me and wanted to be my pretend wife and do things pretend husband and wives did, i was perfectly fine with it. Most of the things we did was experimental, like kissing one another's cheek or holding hands but she always said it was pretend, it was only a game. 

One day however, she had walked in on her parents having sex and was immediately curious about it. She came to me that day saying "Kar kitty! You'll never believe what I saw!" 

"Oh... what did you see?" I had asked, my attention mostly on drawing squiggly lines in my sketchbook. 

She had smiled, eyes wide and excited, as she leaned in close to my ear and whispered "I saw mommy and daddy kissing naked!" 

I was a bit confused at first, but then realization dawned on me and I was a bit enchanted by the idea. Kissing naked? It already sounded like a forbidden action. 

"Oh" was all I muttered. 

"Well," she said in her high feminine voice, " don't you think maybe since we're married we should do it too?" she asked innocently. 

And we did. We had both, in our child innocents, stripped down and had kissed naked. We both lost our first kiss that day and the naivity of sexual attraction. 

I was sure Nepeta also didn't remember this because she never talked about, well, not until much later.  

At the time, I wouldn't realize it, but Nepeta would be the start of the most terrible and painful scenes of my life, not because she did anything, but because I had reached an all time low, and I began to learn things about myself that I knew my family would be ashamed of. She was going to be my first girlfriend.  



	5. Chapter 5

I had texted Jade as soon as I had gotten home from School, telling her who I was and asking her about the plans for hanging out. She replied back that she would send one of her friends to pick me up since she couldn't drive yet. I had yet to ask my father though so I told her to hold the thought. 

I wasnt concerned that my father would say no or anything, most of the time he said yes to anything I wanted to do involving kids my age  due to my lack of interaction in general. 

Once I was invited to a birthday to a kid I hated but his party was on the day of a church service about marriage and abstenency. At the time I was play married to Nepeta so I decided to tell my dad about the party, claiming I wanted to go and that he was my best friend. 

The thing was, that kid was Eridan Ampora and he disgusted me. He constantly flaunted his money around acting like he was better than all of us, he would even make fun of me for being Albino. 

As a child my hair was naturally White but when i got old enough I began to dye it Black to cover it up. I didn't do anything about my eyes though because I was horrified at the idea of contacts so I just hoped nobody would notice, though everyone did. 

Back to the point of my father, once he saw how badly I wanted to go he let me skip church and even went on about how he was so proud of me for making friends. 

When I got to Eridans party he and his friends ganged up on me, calling me names and throwing stuff at me. I ended up leaving early because if it but I st least got to skip church. 

I had been standing outside the door to our house when I texted jade and once I had responded back to her I decided to go in, unlocking the door and stomping my feet on the placemat. Once inside I walked down the hallway, I could hear the muffled voice of my brother Kankri and someone else who I couldn't make out, and headed for my dad's study. 

"Hey Karkat, how was school today?" He had asked as soon as I walked through , almost as if he could sense that I had came in. 

I sighed, not sure if I should tell the truth or not. "It was fine. I made a new friend... she incited me to hang out with her and her other friends today." 

"Oh?" He asked, attention shifting from the computer to me, "That sounds fun, are you planning to go or just waste away here all day? You don't ever do anything Karkat except eat and sleep-" 

"I'm going. Her name is Jade." I quickly stated, interrupting him before he started to insult me with no end. 

"Alright, do you need a ride or anything? " He asked, looking up at me and smiling. 

"No, one of her friends are going to get me." 

"Alright well have fun."

"Thanks." 

I then went to my room and got ready, brushing my hair and teeth and making sure I was presentable for Jades group. This was the first time I had actually wanted to go on a group event with kids my age so I wanted to look just right. 

I texted Jade that I could come and then sent her my address so she wouldn't have to ask herself and then waited anxiously. 

It didn't take long for my ride to arrive and so I had told my father I was leaving and went out, eyes landing on the one and only Dave Strider. 

I'm quite sure my eyes were as wide as saucers when I approached him leaning against the car. 

His hair was styled nicely, a beanie hanging from his head and cupping his soft white hair. His legs were covered by black jeans and he wore a an obscure movie poster shirt, eyes shielded by his shades. 

My eyes had ended up roaming to his lips at one point, taking in the detail of how they quirked up at the end when he was being stared at. 

He knew I had been checking him out. 

I felt uncomfortable and began blushing, eyes straying away as I stumbled toward him and the vehicle. 

"Hey Karkat, like what you see?" He had asked jokingly, a smirk tugging at his lips of Satan himself. 

"Y-Yeah- Wait, fuck, I meant no, fuck you asshole, you caught me off guard." 

Dave laughed at me and opened my door, ushering me inside before closing it shut and getting into his own and driving off. 

The car ride had been silent, me mostly figiting around, but I always caught myself staring at him sooner or later. 

The Karaoke joint was much like the ones you would see in a Japanese anime. We had our own personal cubical and all of Jades friends truly were there. 

When I had came in, standing beside Dave uncomfortably, Jade had been singing "Let it go" while the others groaned in dismay. 

I awkwardly shuffled to a corner if the long wrap around couch and sat quietly, hand fumbling in my lap. 

It was then that I had noticed that Dave and Terezi were obviously an item because he joined her next to a boy with bucked teeth and the began getting very close and touchy. 

I had seen them together at school during lunch hour, the two almost inseparable,  but I had never really connected the dots because I had once seen her kissing the biggest bitch in school, Vriska Serket. 

I didn't know when the two had gotten together but because of that run in I just assumed the two were friends. 

"Hey Karkat! I'm so glad you could make it!" Jade spoke up right next to me, almost having given me a heart attack. 

"Holy fuck Jade, you scared me." I had wheezed out, clutching my chest. 

"Wait, Karkat? " the buck toothed boy said in confusion. 

"Yeah John, I made friends with Karkat today and invited him."

"No way! The shirt angry kid from grade school. Man, you sure we're shouty!" The kid said grinning. 

It had taken me a moment to realize that John was thee John. Cookie stealing John from first grade. 

"Ex fucking scuse me Egbert but I only shouted at you a lot because you stole my cookie. " I hissed at him. 

"Haha wow, a cookie John? You stole a cookie from the poor guy, apologize this instant man." Dave chuckled out, arm around Terezis shoulder. 

"Oh shut up. " John laughed back, shoving him away. 

I couldn't help but smile at them and look down at my feet. The were obviously really good friends. 

"Okay, anyways , let me introduce you to everyone!" Jade exclaimed before pointing to a blond girl who was very close to the one and only Kanaya Maryam. She was the fashionista of the school and everyone went to her for fashion advice.

 "This is Daves sister, Rose." She smiled at me and waved loosely, "How do you do. I am indeed related to the cool kid you all know and possibly love though please don't bring it up in public. He only lowers my so called statues. Isn't that right Dave?" She chuckled and smirked at him. 

"Oh shit, yes Rose, you caught me, me masturbating in public  has finally gotten out and now anyone who knows me shall be scorned. " 

"Oh Dave, I'm curious to understand why you think it's necessary to talk about your daily release so loosely and especially in front of mixed company, are you dying for the attention?"

"Oh my fucking god, kill me." was all I said before turning to Jade, "please introduce me to someone else now before I projectile vomit onto Daves obvious bonner he's getting from the idea of public masturbation and then proceed to gauge my eyes out with a rusting spoon." 

"Don't be like that Karkat, I know you wanna watch me get my rocks off." Dave said. 

Everyone erupted into laughter at that, including me despite the light blush tainting my cheeks. For the first time I was having fun.

"This... hehe... is hehe.. Kanaya. Roses girlfriend." Jade giggled, gasping for breath from the previous laugh episode. 

I was baffled there. Yeah, I had seen Terezi and Vriska make out but Terezi was crazy and they were drunk. 

This was a real relationship that had genuine feelings with seemingly sane people. 

My dad had always talked about gay people like they were disgusting. He would rant on about how they were all going to hell and that they were abominations. It began getting uncomfortable for me when I myself discovered I might actually somewhere like guys. 

It was during Junior high and I was changing during physical education, getting into our gym Uniform, when the most attractive guy I had ever seen ended up standing next to me. I was in Sixth grade at the time and the kid was obviously in eighth. While we were suppose to be changing I found myself staring at him, admiring his well toned body  for an eighth grader. It turned out that he worked out since his parents wanted him to be in lots of sports. 

I ended up befriending him and he became my first crush. I learned that he wanted to be a musician and that he hated sports. I also learned that he was big into drugs. 

I never acted on my feelings so our relationship just faded away. 

Now, here I was, freshman year, and I was learning that there was nothing wrong with being openly gay. Unless you had my father.

"Hi Kanaya-" 

"Pleasure to meet you Karkat, it's nice to finally meet you in person. I heard you sit with Dave during Algebra?" 

Rose looked up then, "oh, I am so sorry for you." 

Dave stuck his tongue out at her, "You're just jealous that I got that vantass everyday." 

That night I ended up choking on my own laughter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of DaveKat happens along with high amounts of Nepkat. Feferi and Eridan are briefly introduced.

In a lot of movies, you always see the guy as the first one to make the moves on the girl, he asks her out, he pays for mostly everything, and she pitches in for a select few things. For me, it wasn't like that at all, the girl had asked me out. 

By this point I had become quite good friends with Jade and them, freshman year slowly winding down to a close, and everyone was studying hard for the finals. 

As I had previously mentioned, Nepeta was in Art with me and we had an interesting background together. Some time during the year she had ended up getting seated right next to me, giving her reason enough to talk to me about anything that came to mind to talk about. 

At first our conversations were pretty basic, asking each other how our day was, what do we like to eat, favorite movie, the usual bombardment you get when meeting new people, but later in the year it had become more of us chattering about things that really weren't important and joking with one another constantly. 

When she had asked me out I'm pretty sure I was beat red for about five minutes straight, not sure how to exactly respond or what to say. I had never dated anyone and I wasn't entirely sure if I liked Nepeta like that. 

"Karkitty?" a small feminine voice spoke up, having interrupted me from my thoughts.

"Oh, fuck, uhm.... sure? Why the fuck not? I like you- you like me. Hah. Fuck sorry, I don't know why I spaced out like that, I just wasnt very sure how to respond since you could have been teasing me or something stupid and childish like that or even-"

She cut me off with a nervous giggle and something lukewarm pressing against my chapped lips. 

We weren't necessarily in class so it wouldn't be considered rule breaking. The bell had wrung quite some time ago and she wanted me to walk her home, now I had understood why. 

When she had pulled back, her eyes were sparkling and a light blush was dabbed across her cheeks. She looked down shyly after a moment of me not saying anything and nibbled on her lip, something I never would have heard myself thinking was hot. 

"Sorry, you were babbling.."

"No," I said breathlessly, "Its fine... it felt nice?" 

That was a lie of course, I didn't really feel anything but awkwardness but I couldn't tell her that. I couldn't tell her that the kiss was, to say in the very least, uncomfortable. 

She giggled though and nodded her head, taking my hand in hers as we continued on the path to her house. 

We passed by a park on the way there, and to my surprise, Dave and his buddies had chosen to hang out there that evening. 

I knew Dave and John were close friends, but I didn't know who the others were, and I knew that they were not Jade and the others for sure. Some of them, however, I could recognize as being on the schools sports teams and were well known in school, others were hipsters, one that stood out was Feferi. 

Feferi was a popular Sophomore at school who was invited to almost all the senior parties, she got drunk with the seniors, and she had sex with the seniors. She got around at school and though she was very nice all together, she was pretty easy to get in bed with.

I never knew Feferi growing up but I did know her on again, off again boyfriend Eridan. The two fought constantly but Eridan claimed that he loved her more than anything. This however was something that could be extremely questionable for many reasons. 

I did, of course, know Eridan, he use to bully me in elementary school because of my baby fat, something I got rid of by junior high, and he ridiculed my taste in movies. 

Growing up with the past I had, I felt unwanted, so I had ended up growing a love for romance movies. They had set guidelines, made the impossible possible with even the most cliche themes, and had aided me in keeping my calm through everything. I think what attracted me to them was the happy ending and how the characters always ended up happy. I wanted to be happy like them, to have something like that, but even still I knew it wasn't going to happen. 

My attention must have locked on to Strider at some point, and longer than necessary, because he noticed me, smirked his signature smirk, and began to make his way to Nepeta and I. 

"Hey Karkat, give me your phone."

I blinked, staring blankly at him, before scowling and backing up. "Fuck no, why the he'll do you want my phone anyways, it's mine?" 

My hand began to protectively slip into my pocket, but he had suddenly grabbed my elbow and pulled me into his chest, hand reaching into my pocket and snatching it away, still holding me against him. 

My face flushed and my heart beat wildly in my chest. He was warm and he smelt like Apple cider. I didn't even try to pull away, which shocked me through the core. I was nervous, my breathing picking up as I inhaled his scent through my nose and sighed softly. I wasnt sure what he was doing on my phone but I could feel a strong hand firmly placed at the small of my back.

Him having my phone knocked me out of my daydreaming.

I tried to turn around and grab it from him but he merely grabbed my wrists and pinned me against him, this time feeling him against my back. Nepeta could now see how nervous and even embarrassed I was. My whole body felt like it was buzzing sweetly, his touch sending shivers through my nerves. 

"If you're going to take my phone at least tell me what you're doing."

"Well," he chuckled, "I'm adding my contact into your phone, dude, you only have your mom in here, that's fucking sad." 

I blushed furiously and looked away, embarrassed that he said that out loud. 

After a few minutes he handed it back to me and I had quickly scrolled through it to find not just his number but all of my friends numbers. 

...Thanks Dave." I mumbled, smiling at him.

It was his turn to blink, stumbling back, before smiling back and ruffling my hair. "You're welcome loser." 

Once he was back with his group, I quickly took Nepeta hand and rushed out of there before I acted on the slowly rising giddy feelings I was feeling for him. 

I didn't need to act on that sort of feeling, especially with my dad being who he was. This town gossiped and spread rumors quickly. And then there was Nepeta.

I couldn't believe that I was fawning over Dave moments after we had kissed and started dating. I wasnt crushing on him or anything, but he was attractive, and it would be awkward to be discovered having the hots for a guy when you just started dating a girl, right? 

We walked a few more blocks before coming in view of a nice cottage themed home on what could only be where most of the middle and upper middle class families lived. White picket fences, overflowing colorful gardens, and stone washed walls were the first thing all could see. It was nice and something I couldn't actually see. Her rping always made her out to be some childish kitten in a cave. It was nice. 

"Well, this is my house, thanks for walking me, you're such a gentlekitten hehe" she smiled and batted her eyes, leaning into me. 

I could tell what she wanted, so I gave it to her;  a nice and simple goodbye kiss on the corner of her lips. 

When I pulled back she smiled up at me and began making it up her steps.

"Wait-" I quickly sputtered, reaching out. 

She turned around, giving me a questioning look, "yes Karkitty?" 

"Uhh, since next week is the last week and we have finals.... could I get your number? That way we can still hang out during the summer and stuff and maybe veiw a movie next week?-" 

"Oh, yeah! Of course." she hopped off the steps and retrieved my phone from me, making less contact then Dave had, and handed it back over before waving goodbye and running inside. 

I chuckled softly and shook my head, silently teasing her in my head, before walking home, my mind on Nepeta, and the warmth of Daves body against mine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you will notice, a lot of the characters personalities are off or not exact but it's for the story purposes. I'm purposefully making them out to be back certain way not because I think that's what they're like but for the story. Also, I do know my spelling is ferocious so please keep in mind that I am trying and I'll try to edit it up when I finish. Thank you and I hope yall are enjoying it so far.


	7. Chapter 7

The first week of summer wasn't exactly how I expected it to go. My father was going to be gone for three weeks the week after so he wanted me to get any plans I had out of the way that required his assistance because he wouldn't be there for me the other three weeks.

At first however, he had simply told me he was leaving and he wanted me to come with him but when I had told him I had plans, mostly with my new girlfriend, it was safe to say he was shocked but happy. 

"So, who is the lucky lady?" He asked me, looking up from his computer while I attempted to watch an episode of Pretty Little Liars. 

Dad usually almost always took his laptop out of his office and sat with me in the living room. It was his way of spending time with me. Since he was a preacher he usually worked on the Sunday and Wednesday night lessons at home, making sure they were throughly perfect and fit with that months topic. 

"A girl." I replied, most of my attention focused on the TV. 

My dad scoffed in response, "Of course, I wasn't insinuating it was any other gender at all, that would be sinful and disgusting if it was a man you were dating, but I know you would never do something so- fowl." 

My chest clenched as my thoughts immediately flashed to Dave and him holding me against him. His warmth that had somehow chilled me to the very bone, butterfly's fluttering in my stomach. 

I shook my head to quickly erase the images flooding through my mind and turned to him, "What would you do if I did like guys? Like, hypothetically speaking?" 

"Well i-" 

"Hey, I'm home! Sorry I was so late, I was busy tutoring a freshman at my campus and he had the audacity to make a advance on me, of course I told him that it was triggering for him to just assume that I was okay with it but he acted as if nothing happened right after word. And will you believe this, he had the nerve to call me, and I quote, "dollface". It was bad enough that he walks around with a cigarette in his mouth and flirts with *everybody* but then that???-"

My brother Kankri continued drowning on about the boy hitting on him in class. I'm not for sure if he actually enjoyed it or anything, considering he's Mr goody two shoes with father and pretends to be Jesus recarnate in front of him, but it wasn't for me to judge. 

The rest of the conversation revolved around him and dad, and since he didn't have enough manors to take the conversation elsewhere while I was trying to watch something, I excused myself and went to my room. 

My usually empty phone but now filled with numbers sat in the corner of my night stand, a red blinking light slowly going off. The light was almost entrancing if you stared too long, but it usually meant I had a notification. 

I hopped onto my bed and reached out to grasp my phone from off the table before checking what it was. 

Dave: Yo Karks, there is a party next week for all the previous Freshman to celebrate you becoming a Sophomore, you in? 

Me: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BOTHER ATTENDING SOME STUPID PARTY WHERE EVERYONE GETS SHIT FACED DRUNK AND SHOWS NO COMMEN DECENCY WHATSOEVER ABOUT ANYTHING?

Dave: sweet man, I'll pick you up alright.

Me: I DIDN'T EVEN SAY YES DUMBASS 

Dave: sure you did, you were just too scared to admit it 

Dave: don't worry babe, I've got you covered

Dave: won't let any of the strider fan girls clobber my sweet sweet vantass 

Me: ...

Me: BABE? 

Dave: yeah, it was so obvious you were drooling on me the other day so I figured, why not cast a line for the lil crab

Me: I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

Me: AND I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU SO FUCK OFF. 

Dave: Uhuh sure 

Dave: let's see if you can still say that when youre begging for the D 

Me: OH MY GOD 

I couldn't help chuckling, hiding my red face into the pillow. When I looked back up, bottom lip captured between my lip, he had replied. 

Dave: no, no, it's "OH DAVE HARDER" 

Me: I'M DONE WITH YOUR BULLSHIT 

Me: I'M GOING TO GO AND DIE NOW 

Me: LIFE IS RUINED FOR ME 

Dave: you're welcome hot stuff 

Me: FUCK YOU 

Dave: No, I'll be fucking you B) 

Me: HNNNGH 

I had ended up texting him all night, trying to suppress my Giggling as much as possible throughout most of it so not to wake the family. 

The next day dad picked me and Nepeta up and took us to the movies, genuinely surprised that my girlfriend was my childhood neighbor. 

"So Nepeta, how was freshman year?"

"Oh, it was pawsitively perfect! I had art with Karkitty so I wasn't lonely at all and I made so many new friends." she exclaimed Happily, her arms wrapped around mine as she leaned against me. 

I didn't necessarily dislike the attention but I didn't enjoy it either, I wanted space but it wasn't bugging me, it only bothered me when guys got too close. 

Dad dropped us off at the movies and we went in, watching some ridiculous horror film that ended up having both of us clinging to one another in fear, but somehow halfway through the movie we had winded up lip locking.

I could feel her teeth scraping against mine as we kissed, one of my hands placed on her small breast because she had placed it there, and my other hand still gently cupping her cheek. We had occupied the very back of the theatre so I didn't think anyone would see us, I really hoped no one would see us, and the kissing progressed until the point came that it would get to explicit and I pulled away. 

"You're such a great kisser..." she whispered joyfully, leaning against me once more. 

'Yeah, but you not so much' I though to myself, but instead responded, "yeah... you too." 

She giggled and had me kiss her again, this time beckoning me lower than her lips. I proceeded to leave a trail of kisses along her jaw before rising on her neck, only doing what I had seen in numerous of movies, and nipped at the soft skin along the arc of her neck. 

She mewled in a low tone, her fingers clutching at my back, and I continued to work at giving her what she wanted, leaving a trail of kisses and bites along her neck along with a single hicky. 

After the movie my father took us home, the ride being silent as me and Nepeta held hands the entire trip. Once we arrived at her house I told my dad I would walk her to the door.

"No goodnight kiss?" she asked gently.

"My dad is in the car..." I mumbled 

"So? Every couple does it." she giggled in response.

I sighed and leaned down, aiming to leave a kiss on her cheek, but she quickly turned her head so that our lips touched.

I ended up leaving her with a deep, breathtaking kiss, before walking back to the car and getting in. 

His father turned to him, "son, I don't approve of-"

"She did it. I wasnt going to okay.." I sighed out.

He frowned but nodded his head before driving us home. 

For the next three weeks I would be home alone and next week I had a party I couldn't tell my dad about, just like I couldn't tell him the truth about Nepeta, that we had done much more then just a too intimate goodnight kiss that I had definitely allowed. 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are at the party and stuff. Yeah... ahahaha.

Dad was gone now, having left for his trip, and I was silently sitting on a sofa in the living room. My heart was racing wildly and thumping against my chest. Dave would be here any moment to take me with him to the party tonight.

I don't really know why Dave was driving considering he was in the same grade as me, I guess I could have asked him several times in the past or even now but I never did, even when I was putting my life in his hands. Of course, after a few moments I remembered that he had failed a grade and that if he's careful enough he wouldn't get caught anyways.

It was nice being in the car with him and I wasn't feeling so spooked around Dave anymore like I had the first time. At the time I guessed that it was because of our friendship that was slowly building, and in a sense, I suppose that was correct. 

His shades were still there on his face like they always were, thin long hands grasping the wheel firmly as his gaze was hopefully on the road. He was attractive. 

I blushed immediately and looked away from him, my face twenty different shades of red after having my thoughts go there. I shouldn't be thinking about how his lips would feel against mine or how undeniably hot he was. I was a guy, and I had a girlfriend. 

"How did freshman year treat you?" He asked, his voice slicing through the silence and cutting me out of my thoughts. 

"Uh, it could be worse? I don't fucking know, how am I suppose to respond to that?" I muttered. I hadn't realized there was  suppose to be any positives of high school at all. 

"Come on man, you got a girlfriend in your first year, that's an accomplishment all in itself. I mean, she's weird and all, but still hot." 

I turned to face him and glared, "Could you maybe not talk about Nepeta that way?"

"Yeah sure. What about sophomore year?" 

"Huh?" 

He chuckled and repeated himself, "How do you feel about being a sophomore? " 

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders, slouching into the seat, "I don't know, one more year closer to college?" 

I swear I could almost see the guy roll his eyes beneath the tinted glass. "Karkat, seriously, you're a buzz kill. I hope you lighten up a little at this party. Maybe learn to enjoy high school while it lasts." 

"Is that why you failed last year?" 

He was silent for a moment before firmly responding, "Its none of your business." 

I got the message and sighed, going back to my window before we began pulling into a crowded parking lot.  

The music was blaring loudly, my chest vibrating with the music. There was so many people outside, I couldn't believe this many people attended a party. Not only that but the house was a castle. Whoever lived here was wealthy. 

"Welcome to your first party shorty." 

"Fuck you."

"I'm the one who does the fucking babe, not you." 

We steadily hopped from the vehicle, my eyes trailing over the crowd that was located just outside. 

Dave approached me and took my hand, leading me inside, "w-what the fuck are you doing?" 

"Leading you."

"You're holding my hand..." my voice faltered, eyes resting on my moving feet. 

"Yeah? So what?" He asked.

"Its- we're not fucking dating or anything. I also, frankly don't even like you, you're a douchebag." I sputtered out, face flushed from both the contact and how unsure of myself I sounded. 

Dave merely chuckled, "Ooooh preacher boy is cussing. Never thought I'd see the day." 

"I curse all the time dumbass"

"I know. It was a joke Karkat." 

The inside was messy, solo cups scattered about with bodies in all directions. I wasn't very sure if this was a good idea to begin with but I took a deep breath and continued on. I was already here I so I might as well.  

Dave led me to a group around the couch, at first, I couldn't recognize them due to their apparel but on second glance I realized it was Feferi, Eridan, and their friends. 

As I had previously stated, i wasn't in on their crowd but I knew of them, so Dave leading me directly to the wolves had to been on some sort of sacrificial occasion. I was the lamb being led to the slaughter. At least, thats what I thought until I realized it was some sort of social reserection. 

"Hey guys, this is my friend Karkat." Dave said, pushing me lightly toward them. 

Eridan just scoffed. It was expected of him of course. 

Feferi however jumped up excitedly and hugged me. "Omgygawsh it's so nice to meet you. When I saw you like months ago with Nepeta and Dave I just had to meet you. I'm so glad you're here!" she gushed, jumping about happily. 

Her voice was meledimec and chimed as she spoke. I couldn't help but be both annoyed and pleased by the sound of it. She was also bubbly and outgoing, I now saw a reason for her popularity outside of money and looks, she was nice. 

"Hey kid, want something to drink?" Another kid asked who had been sitting next to Feferi before she stood up. 

"I'm not sure-" 

Despite my cut off protest, he handed me a cup anyways. Just like the others, it was a red plastic cup with a groove along its sides, filled with a tangible substance that could only be alcohol by its strong peculiar smell. 

I stared at its contents, not entirely sure on what I should do.

"Karkat, don't be such a wuss, or we might suspect you don't belong here." Eridan smirked, obviously jiving me. 

"He doesn't have to if he doesn't want to Eridan." Feferi spoke, giving me a soft smile, her eyes hinted with something else entirely. I didn't think much into it, but I probably should have, based off the way her eyes silently devoured me. 

"Fine..." I muttered, thinking a quite prayer of sanity that might somehow save me from myself, and took a gulp. 

That was a bad idea.

My face scrunched up, obviously not very pleased with the taste, and shook my head wildly. 

"Oh Jesus fucking christ!" I spoke, hoping it came back up so I could vomit on Eridan for simply saying one thing to talk my weak mind into this. 

They all laughed of course, except Feferi. She instead silently took the cup from me and took a classy Sip from the same corner my lips were on.

'ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck' 

I felt an odd twist in my stomach at this, and probably something else a little lower. 

"Its OK Karkat if you don't like it, Eridan is just a meanie." she giggled, sitting closer to me. "Hey, was Nepeta- is she like- your girlfriend?" 

"I-uh. Ohmyfuckinggod." 

Feferi didn't wait for an actual response, instead made a move on the weakest link. The one who obviously was already turned on just by a few simple actions. I should have answered quickly instead of drawing out my response, but I couldn't. I couldn't say anything when faced with someone who was willing for some action paired to a tease who liked to play dirty in front of my father.

It wasn't a valid excuse, but I willingly would blame it on the one large gulp of alcohol. 

When Feferi leaned in and kissed me, I did what any logical and horny teen would do; I kissed back.


	9. Chapter 9

 We hadn't done anything outside of kissing. I didn't need to be told that to know, I just did. However, a few more drinks had been pushed through my system, causing my temples to throb when the morning came. 

Feferi ended up dragging me to a room and onto a bed the both of us enjoyably ruffled. 

Her shirt was undone, but that was about it. 

I could remember the whole thing still, if I put enough thought into it. 

"Mhm hehe" She giggled against my swollen lips, I couldn't stand not having them pressed against her, whether it be her lips, neck, or anywhere else. I had her pinned to the bed, our lips moving fiercely in sync with one another's.  

My hands inched over her skin beneath the tank she was wearing, fingers tracing over her soft mocha skin. Her long wavy hair was around her in a halo on the bed, legs straddling my hips as we inched closer, skin burning at contact. 

At some point however, reality kicked me in the face.

I was dating Nepeta. I shouldn't be doing this. Oh God what was I doing?

"Hey, what's the matter? Are you not enjoying yourself?" Feferi  asked after I pulled away abruptly. 

"Yeah, no- it not that I'm not enjoying this but- fuck, I have a girlfriend. This is wrong. I'm sorry." 

Before she could protest, I unwrapped myself from the tendrils pulling my down. Pulling me into her arms. And walked out swiftly. 

The house was still crowded, the party not dying down just yet. I made my top priority to find Dave, wherever he may be. 

The music blared loudly, playing some unrecognizable music that could only be a personal mix. There was a DJ in the house apparently. 

"Hey, Jade." I asked, after spotting her with some guy and making my way to her, "have you seen Dave anywhere-?" 

She smiled and nodded," oh, yeah! He's the DJ right now! You'll have to wait to speak to him but if it's important you should try texting." She yelled, the music too loud for single speech anymore. 

"Alright. Thanks." 

I wandered toward the music, listening to  it get louder and louder as I got closer to the source.

When I arrived, I was amazed at the sight, only because this was my first time seeing Dave conducting the music in such a way, and because it was my first official party after all.  

Dave was behind a turntable , nodding to the beat. I was entranced watching his smooth movement, knowing just the right tunes and keys to push. He was a natural. 

The others were either dancing, making out, or talking, but they all wanted to be near him, to listen too. Everyone could feel the energy he was feeding them. 

It was fun to just watch him. 

I decided that instead of crushing his fun, I'd walk home. It wasn't that far, and I had remembered the route. At least, I thought I had. 

Going outside was calmer, cooler. The crisp night air was a contrast to the usual summer heat, something I always enjoyed about the nights.  

I walked along the gravel path, my shoes pushing rocks from their original places, making soft crunching and cracking sounds. 

I didn't make it very far until a car drove up and slowed down next to me. I was thrown off at first, but further inspection showed that it was Dave. 

"Oh" 

"Jesus dude." he spoke, rolling down the window, "If you wanted to go home, you could Have just said so." 

"Sorry," my eyes traveled down to my barely visible feet, "I didn't want to ruin your fun." 

"What?" 

"You were having fun on the turntable. I didn't want to bother you or anything." I said, looking back up at him. 

He sighed and made a motion with his head meaning to get in, and I did as I was instructed, hopping onto the cool leather seat. 

"Karkat, it's OK to complain and kick and scream about things. Don't be so complacent."  

I was silent for a moment. 

"Alright?" He asked. 

"Yeah, alright." I sighed out before things went silent again. 

The idea of complaining out loud never came to me because I knew my father would probably back hand me for any mouth I gave him. Being good was the only option. 

But Dave said I didn't have to be. I could secretly publicly disapprove,  and to me, it sounded nice.

Sure, it didn't make sense, secretly publicly doing something. You can't keep it a secret if it's public. However, it was only secret to me if my dad didn't find out, and that's all I cared about. 

I smiled and looked out the window, before muttering a thank you. 

"Wait, what was that? Did the disapproving and uptight karkat say... thank you?" Dave asked, a hint of humor laced his voice. 

I rolled my eyes and flipped him off, "Yeah, yeah, fuck yourself Strider." I muttered, still smiling. 

He grinned back at me and ruffled my hair playfully, and I was quite sure I felt a blush coming on. The playful touchiness was still so new and nice, I couldn't help but to. 

"Honestly though, I'm glad you came, even if you ditched us for fucking Feferi." Dave said, making a face that showed he definitely approved of our little rumple up stairs.

Even with thumbs up and high fives, I felt wrong and dirty for it. I had cheated on Nepeta. 

"I have a girlfriend." I muttered quietly. Mostly to myself, but I did intend for Dave to hear it. "I shouldn't have done that with Feferi, but I did anyways."

Dave was silent, probably debating on how much he should judge me. I wanted to be judged, deserved it. Instead he squeezed my hand gently and smiled. "Its ok man. Shit happens." 

My chest had tightened and I felt like my heart was doing flip flops. Having him not abandon me, having him not completely lose interest in me by saying I was a Douchebag, made me feel good. I liked it. I liked him. And here I was, making friends with one of the coolest kids at school, and I felt genuine happiness toward him. 

I never really got it until later though, that slowly, I was falling in love with him.  


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans happen and Karkat thinks about an old childhood friend.

      A few weeks had gone by since the party, and I had been sharing text messages between Dave. Of course, I didn't know I liked him in any sense of romantics, but I knew I liked him, and I had assumed it was platonic. 

He ended up inviting me and Nepeta out on a double date, and I accepted. As it was, I hadn't taken Nepeta anywhere since the movies incident. She called me and we talked on the phone for long periods of time: that is, she talked and I interrupted her to give her my opinion on said activity. She didn't like it, but she didn't make it known. 

I called her up after texting Dave, and told her what we had planned.

"Hey Nepeta."

"Hehe good afternoon Karkitty, usually mew don't do the calling, it must be impurrtant?" She rolled her R's making it out as genuine purring. I had such an impossible time doing that, it always impressed me. 

"Yeah, uh, Dave invited us on a double date. So, I was just asking you if maybe you wanted to go? We haven't done anything together since-"

"Sure! I'd pawsitively love to go! When is it?"

"Uh, he said it's later tonight. The two of them decided on some place called Main Event. " 

"Oooo, sounds fun. It's after your doctor appointment right? I wouldn't want you to miss that." She replied, her voice sounded concerned. 

I cringed, licking my lips and fiddling before answering, ".... Yeah. It's after my appointment. Fuck, I'm not an idiot, I know I can't miss those." 

"Okay, good. So anyways-  " She proceeded to launch into her morning, what she did, what she ate, things I had cared less about honestly. I just wanted to hang up the phone and sleep. 

I felt guilty about the whole Feferi thing, so I hadn't told Nepeta it didn't like this whole routine we did with phone calls. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I knew already if she found out, she would be royally pissed. 

So I sat and listened to her before she had better things to do and said goodbye. 

I discarded my phone onto my night stand and laid back into bed. I had an appointment with my shrink today.

We always referred to him as a doctor because when I was younger, referring to him as a shrink, or a therapist,  made me uncomfortable. I hated seeing him so often but my father insisted I do it. Kankri even agreed with him, and I hated it. Now, he made me uncomfortable in general. 

Sometimes, on my visits with him, his beady eyes would trail all over my body, making me suck to my stomach. My dad never noticed it, but as I got older, he did it more frequently. Once I had seen him licking his lips from the corner of my eye when he sent me to get some cards from up off a shelf. He made my spine crawl. 

I knew it wasn't normal for therapists to be all over their patients, and as it was, all he did was check me out when he thought I wasn't paying attention. I couldn't do anything about it. So I just sat silent. This didn't change the fact that I absolutely dreaded going, because I always did. 

I had an hour before my appointment, so I decided to shower and dress, taking up at least half that time. I then went to talk to my dad about the date that had been planned later that afternoon.

"Hey dad." 

"Hmm?" He hummed, looking up from the kitchen counter. 

He was currently making lunch, just a basic grilled cheese sandwich and some tots. I liked grilled cheese sandwiches so I knew he was trying to get me in a good mood for my appointment. I wonder if he'd still make me go if he knew how Dr. Vladin looked at me. 

"After my appointment today, a friend invited me and Nepeta on a double date. Wait that was worded weird." I muttered attempting to rephrase myself. I hadn't needed to, he got the message.

He turned around, temporarily stopping what he was doing to give me a surprised look, "You're going out with some friends? Yeah, go ahead. Where is it?"

"Main event." I responded, taking a seat at the kitchen table.

He nodded his head, grinning all the while. He placed my plate in front of me and ruffled my hair. "I'm happy you have some friends to hang out with. Ya know, do teenager stuff with." 

"Yeah." I was about to take a bite out of the grilled cheese sandwich, but a hand stopped me.

"Whaop, hey, we have to pray first." he chuckled, taking a seat across from me.

"Oh, yeah. I forgot, sorry." I blushed, setting it down. 

"Its alright, good thing I caught you first huh?" He folded his hands in front of him, clearing his throat, and began his prayer.

I sat in my spot, hands feed in front of me, but my gaze wasn't down to my lap or anything. I glanced around instead, listening to his prayer without closed eyes and an open mind. I listened with opened eyes and a closed mind. I was too stuck feeling sick about this appointment. He would have to leave soon probably after lunch. I don't want to do this, I thought.

"Dear Lord, bless us this afternoon so that we may have a day doing what's right in your eyes lord, and that no harm shall come upon us while we leave for our appointments and meetings scheduled today. .." 

No harm, it was funny. Each time he said this, It made me uncomfortable because I thought about my visit. I didn't want to go. Please don't make me go.

"... have this food to nourish our bodies and guide us so that we may be better Christians in your eyes. Watch over friends and family in need, those who cannot feed their own children, and those who have no place to call home. .." 

I noticed my dad was missing some clothes recently, and I knew, when he brought up the homeless, he had probably been giving his clothes to them. I didn't understand why he was so nice, so... perfect in the community. But he had said "watch over again" and I knew that it didn't include me. My would god bother to do that, if there really was one. 

"... in your name we pray Lord, amen." he ended it, sitting up straight now. He nodded to me with a smile, and silently started eating.

"That was a nice prayer." i mumbled.

"Haha, thanks Karkat. It's important to remember though, prayers don't have to be formal. You're talking to your heavenly Father, make it as personal as you want. Talk to him how you would anyone else." he continued on. He loved talking about this, and I liked seeing him happy, so I didn't interrupt him, I just let him preach what was probably next week's sermon.

After we ate, I was told to brush my hair and get shoes on for my appointment. I did, however I did not want to.  We then got into the car and we were off. The place was only about five minutes or so away, so the ride wasn't very long, regardless, it felt long to me. 

We passed by an old Park, it's swing set was rusting, some of the seats torn from its chains. The drive had a hole in it now, and the sea-saw was Bay damaged. 

I remembered, me and Kankri used to play on it with another boy. I couldn't remember his name, but I knew, at the time, we were best friends. I remember him pushing me on the swing set, we giggled and I'd swing my feet about when I was hi up in the air. We would chase one another around in tag or play hide and seek. He was really good at those games, but I hadn't minded. I remembered his dark shaggy hair, it was almost black. He was short and chubby and he had the cutest smile. Suddenly, I missed him. I wondered, what was he doing now, after so many years. I know he moved away, and I know we cried about it together. I wondered if he forgot my name too. Of course, now I know better.

My flash back costed me the rest of the trip, because we had arrived. We got out, checked in, and I was sent into the waiting room.

 It was all grey. A light grey. The purpose was to give a calming atmosphere, and I didn't like it. I just wanted to feel at home going to these places, the grey reminded me I was going to see a councilor. Why not Tan walls and floral decorating? Okay, there was some fake flowers on the coffee table, and a fake bush in a cirner,but nothing pretty and 'homely." 

"Mr. Vantas?" a young ladies voice spoke out. 

Me and my father looked up at her, "yes?" I squeaked. 

"Dr. Vladin will see you now." 

I nodded, standing up. My legs were shaky, but I took a deep breath and steadied them. She waved her hand, giving me a large smile that showed off all her teeth. 

"Right this way." She hummed, leading me in the back. 

As we walked, I passed by a very tall disheveled man. He looked like he had just, let himself go. There was paint on his face, and I avoided eye contact, but I saw that despite how unnaturally tall and skinny he looked, he had that goofy grin. It was so vaguely familiar. 

"Here you go. He's in his office so just walk in." The perky nurse said, stopping by the door. My attention returned to where I was at. I took a deep breath, and I walked in.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat has an appointment with his Counselor who is not as great as he seems. As I said, he's a doctot

The room was warm and bright. Windows aligned the wall with light weight green curtains that aligned the top. The windows shelf had a grey square shaped vase filled with crab grass and pansies. The room smelt of sea breeze, paintings of such a scene aligned the walls evenly.

 My favorite was that of a lighthouse on a lone cliff. A child sat at the edge, watching the waves. Sometimes I sat in the overstuffed couch and imagined I was that child. I would imagine that I was sitting there, the salt air caressing my nose, hair swaying in the light breeze. I was completely free. And the waves clashed against the rocks edge, gripping them while being pulled back home. 

I shivered, closing my eyes and breathing in the salt. This room was once relaxing to me, now it just makes me uncomfortable. 

He sat at his desk, fingers drumming against the keys quickly, making notes about his previous patient. I wondered if he treated them the same way he did me, or if it was worse. I hoped that it was neither of those. 

His desk was a cream color, sea shells sat in a clear bowl on the corner, another vase with a fake tropical flower hanging loosely from it. His lanky body sat nicely in his chair, a white floral print pillow rested behind him. 

"Karkat. I'll be with you in a minute, go ahead and take a seat." His voice was breathless, he looked back, smiling seductively in my direction. 

I swallowed and took a few steps toward the peach colored couch, taking a seat and sinking into its plushnes. There were a few pillows around him, the same design that the pillow behind the older man's back had. 

He looked up from his computer once more, finally finishing his typing away, "so, how's school going? Your father told me you had a girlfriend now." he said it with distaste, crinckling his nose as if he had inhaled too much of the salt floating in the room.

I chose to ignore his expression, and definitely his judging eyes, and shrugged meekly, "Yeah. Nepeta. She's my childhood friend." 

"Oh? Tell me about her. I think this is the first I'm hearing of her and I've been with you quite some time." he sounded genuinely curious and lacked any possessiveness in his tone, so I complied. 

"Oh, er well. We Uhm. She likes anime and stuff. I'm not a personal fan of it but there are some things I like. She also role plays and Uhm, she likes to create ships if her friends? I don't know." i laughed nervously, not really sure if that's what he was asking. 

However, he was satisfied, "Shipping? What's that?" 

"Oh, uh, fuck- sorry-"

"No, it's OK. I want you to be comfortable, cursing is allowed." 

"Right." I knew that, but when I did it, he had this face I couldn't recognize, but it sent shivers down my spine, like, he wanted to punish me for it. "Well, it's when you think two people, cartoon or real, should be together, so then you support them as a couple? It's called shipping. I think it's the stupidest term for it. Why can't it be called something else like matching. I mean, we say that you know "Oh, it's a match!" So why not call it match making and not shipping?" 

He chuckled at my rant, giving me a pleasant smile, "I like that more too, match making. Do you participate in this?" 

I frown, crinkling my nose, "No. It's a stupid waste of time." 

"Not really, I think it's a good way to think about compatible relationships. If you take the time to think about those things, you'll developed a better understanding of your friends and yourself if your "match" is or isn't a match at all." He reached for his notebook while he spoke, taking notes of the conversation. 

"I guess?" I replied, not wanting to continue it. 

"Why not match yourself to someone, tell me how you think it would work. Say the first name that pops in your head." 

I did, and I wanted to die, "Dave." 

He raised an eyebrow, "not your girlfriend? Who's Dave?" 

"He's nobody. Just some friend of mine at school. He's obnoxious but we get along. That's it " I say, rubbing my arm nervously. 

"He's obviously not nobody if you said his name. Why is that?" 

"Fuck.. I don't fucking know okay. He's a guy and it's fucking gross, men are gross and the idea of his- of him touching me makes me want to vomit but I like him and I don't fucking understand." I wrenched out. My throat closed and my face got red, eyes beginning to burn. 

He nodded, clenching his teeth, and smiled painfully. "So your harboring feelings for another man?" 

'Yes!" I sobbed out. I hated this. He was making me cry, making me look pathetic, without trying. He always knew what to say to get me emotional. 

"Does this bother you Karkat?" He's standing now, making slow yet long strides toward my spot on the couch. He sits next to me, I can feel the seat sinking next to me, and he puts an arm around me. It was suppose to be a way to comfort me m, but I could feel the possessive attributes leaking from him. 

"Yes, of course it bothers me, He's a guy! My dad would disown me! Not only that but- but-" 

He knew what I was trying to say, what I didn't want to say. He knew that my biggest concern wasn't just that my dad would disown me but, if I showed my interest into Dave, what if we couldn't do couple things because I'd scream and cry every time. We might try to hold hands and he tugs me towards somewhere and then I panic. Or sex. What if I scream rape after consenting because I can't handle it again? 

He comforted me, rubbing my back and humming. "Its ok Karkat. Everything is OK. If he cares for you too, he won't rush you."

I laughed darkly, no feeling in it whatsoever. "Yeah, right. He's probably straight. Doesn't even know about my ridiculous gag worthy crush on him. And even if he wasn't, he saw me cheat on Nepeta, he'd probably be done with me if he shared my feelings." I snuffled, rubbing my sleeve against my eyes to remove the tears. 

"Oh?" He said. Fuck. I knew I shouldn't have said anything. 

"Yeah... Feferi. One of the Hottest girls in our school and the most popular. We made out at a party Dave invited me to." 

"And that was all? Do you regret it?"

"Yeah. Of course I do, I betrayed Nepeta. I don't like her that way at all, I feel nothing when we kiss, and yet I'm leading her on like some toolbag. I should break up with her but I cheated and feel like I should stay to just-" 

"Karkat. You should tell her you want to break up. If it's eating at you enough, then you should confess too. Tell her what happened, apologize, and break up. Don't waste your time just being with someone that makes you miserable." He said, fingers still tracing my back.

"Right." I muttered. 

"Why did you cheat on her?"

"I don't know. I- I don't feel good when she touched me, and Feferi, it wasn't better but it was? She didn't make me as uncomfortable and I got pressured into." I chewed my lip, wanting to fold into myself. 

"Hmmm. So if you weren't with Nepeta, would you go all the way with her?"

"I- fuck... yes..." I cringed at myself. He smiled.

"That's pretty slutty huh?" He said. 

"What?" I asked, looking up, completely taking aback.

"Do you think about it a lot? Having sex with people? " He asked, his face was closer, I felt him breathing in my neck.

"I- sometimes. I know i... fuck. It's not the same though! It's not romantic fantasizing okay!" I cried out, clenching my teeth.

"What do you mean? He asked.

"I sometimes... think about.... no. I just.... it's disgusting... but sometimes I think about certain people... taking advantage of me?" I finally muttered. 

I should have never said that. That one sentence signed my death warrant. I should have never even opened my mouth. I should have just said no and moved on, but I didn't, I opened my fucking mouth and trusted him despite every single gut feeling screaming no. 

He looked up, eyes grazing over me, a finger reached up and stroked my cheek and my breath hitched. "You're definitely one fucked up rape victim aren't you? You're such a slut too. You're perfect for me." he mumbled, leaning down and kissing my lips. 

I wanted to scream and run. My body jolted and my nerves burned, I hated it, I was clenched tightly, not wanting to let myself feel it. It was disgusting, having my doctors lips on mine. 

He pulled back and sighed, looking down at his watch and smiling. There was still more time. I wanted to puke. 

He came back in for another kiss, and another, and another. My body stayed tense, jaws clenched, but he didn't like it one bit. "Loosen up Karkat. It's OK. No need to be tense with me." 

His large hand rested on my upper thigh, lightly squeezing it as his tongue brushed against my lips. I sobbed out, a tear streaming down my cheek, and he took advantage of it. His tongue s slipped  passed my lips, over my parted teeth, and slithered over my tongue like a snake. It was slimey and gross. It was so gross. Yet I moaned softly, his hand slipping down my jeans and cupping me. The moan was combined with a whimper, my body cringing. 

He pulled back, noticing the tears streaming down my face. "Hey, don't cry. It's OK. I can feel you, I know you love it. " 

"Fuck you. Stop touching me." I spit out at last. 

He chuckled but obeyed. "Alright Karkat. Whatever you want. It's about time for you to go anyways."

With that I stood abruptly, fixing myself before dashing toward the door. 

'Karkat," he hummed.

I looked back, mustering an angry glare despite the fear in my expression. 

"You can tell, but who will believe you? You're just a delusional rape victim. I'm the counselor dealing with your antics. " he chuckled, waving me off. 

My body quivered and I turned, walking out of hell.

As I walked out of the office, I looked back, just for a second to see the sign above his door I had never noticed before, and reading it, I felt my blood freeze.

'Dr. Vladin David '


End file.
